It has been said that necessity is the mother of all invention, and with Everett’s arrival we have identified the need for the following new baby products, none of which we have ever seen and few of which seem likely to be made:
1. The Pack n’ Prison: Most parents have pack n’ plays, but these all suffer from a significant design flaw: they are open on top, allowing the child to climb the walls and escape. The Pack n’ Prison has a lockable lid on top to make sure the kid stays inside.
2. The Crib Bottle: This is really a new use for an old idea. Take one of those inverted water bottles used for gerbils, hamsters, etc. and mount it on the side of the crib with the tube pointed inward. Fill it with milk or formula and you have an on-demand baby feeder.
3. The Baby Washer: All parents have had diaper blowouts, and I imagine many have had the experience where the kid poops everywhere and then rolls in it or kicks it while you are changing him. Or the slow motion horror movie where you take the diaper off and the kid sticks his hand right in the poop, then touches his other hand, then his clothing and other parts of his body, then you. In this instance you need a way to get the kid and clothing clean without undressing and risking further spread of poop. The Baby Washer is kind of like a dishwasher but with a hole in the top for the kid’s head and without a top tray for dishes. Just put the kid in, close the door and turn it on for a gentle wash cycle that cleans baby+clothing.
4. The Baby Handle: There are many instances where you need to have a firm grip on the kid, either for his safety or your sanity or both. The Baby Handle is a body harness that is worn over clothing and which has a handle on the back, the kind you might find on a very large flashlight. With it you can grab him from behind, which could be especially useful during escape attempts.
5. The Anti-Energy Bar: Probably the main reason you don’t see energy bars for children is that they have enough already, and sometimes beleaguered parents just need a break. These energy bars would be prepared with valerian and melatonin to help take the edge off.
6. Energy-Capture device: Along the lines of the previous idea, it could be useful to capture all of the excess energy that children seem to have. Not exactly sure what this would look like, but it would be some kind unobtrusive mechanical device that harnessed energy from the movement of limbs.
7. Babarrest: This is a portmanteau, but it’s not a typo. I am not suggesting a device for helping baby rest (which would be spelled “Babarest”). No, this is a system for safely arresting the motion of a baby or toddler who is running away and is in danger or you are just too tired to chase after them. Basically it’s a special type of lasso that wraps around their midsection so you can reel ‘em in.